Tuesday, 4 January 2011

MAN CHANGES MIND By Jason Armstrong

Man Changes Mind

I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to be a serial killer.

I mean, I'll probably just finish up with school and get a good job in management but it just seems like I should be doing something bigger with my life. But I think every young man has this conversation with himself at some point. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be a superhero. I've had that dream since I was five but there's no such thing as superheroes.

There's no such thing as superheroes. But serial killers are real.

I don't really have any real tendency towards violence. It's fun on video games and I like horror movies and all but to actually murder a real person would probably be very different. I punched a kid when I was in sixth grade and I still feel bad about that. Technically he started it but he started crying and I just went home. I still live with that. I suppose I'd have to create a separate personality to do the actual killing. I'm not sure how to go about doing that; I guess I'll have to do some research.

It's not that I hate people or anything. People as a whole do tend to get on my nerves but when I get to know them individually, for the most part, I usually end up liking them; or at least empathizing with them enough to tolerate them. So that might be a problem. But, like I said, if I get a separate personality I won't have to worry about that.

Really it's not about the killing, I suppose. It just seems like the best way to be famous; it seems like the best way. I mean, everybody knows who Charles Manson is. But can you name one movie with Sharon Tate? Plus, it's like the least amount of work possible. Actors and directors and politicians have to work their asses off refining their craft and then they still have to kiss ass on the business end of things. All those celebrities still have to answer to bosses in one form or another. But serial killers have it easy. Just stab your way to success. No bosses or critics to answer to; and if anybody tries to say shit it's just stabby stab.

In the movies the killer always has a collection of newspaper clippings that the hero discovers which gives them away. I think if I become a serial killer I'll turn the articles about my atrocities into a scrapbook. That way when people see all the stickers they'll also be able to see my sweet side. I mean; I don't want to be just another one-sided psychopath. That could be my thing: the serial killer with a heart of gold.

It's not like I'm an asshole. I'm not like the nicest guy in the world or anything. But I'm not someone who anyone would describe a dick. Anytime people have been mad at me it has usually just been a misunderstanding and they forgave me pretty quickly. I don't even like to kill bugs; I try to shoo spiders outside rather than squish them.

I'd have to come up with a gimmick, though. You need to in this day and age; everybody has seen everything already. Jack The Ripper killed prostitutes. Dahmer was a cannibal. Gayce had the whole clown thing going on. Berkowitz had a talking dog. How do I compete with that? It's so hard to be original nowadays; everything has been done already. I suppose I could do some sort of homage to my favorites but then I'd just be called a copycat killer and I don't want that kind of criticism. I wouldn't want to be the first failed serial killer. If I'm going to go to the electric chair I want people to be afraid of me, I don't want people saying how much I suck and giggling behind my back.

And you have to get caught, right? I mean, what's the point otherwise? That's how you get famous and get your face on t-shirts. If you don't get caught you just have to keep working at a stupid job and spend your life in mediocrity with everybody else. If you get do get caught, you're set up for life. You never have to work again. And the publicity takes care of itself. I could write a book and let all the major publishers fight over the rights. Maybe I should start working on my autobiography now in case I don't have time before they send me to the gas chamber. Everybody wants to know what goes on in the mind of a serial killer. Nobody gives a shit about the nice guy who lives next door and keeps to himself. You don't care about the guy who bags your groceries until you find out he has a graveyard in his basement.

That's another thing. I'd have to buy myself a house that has a basement with a dirt floor. Right now I live in an apartment with a roommate. My landlord wouldn't let me build a dungeon; that would forfeit my deposit, I think. And I'm just a poor college student; I can't afford a house. I don't have the credit. Plus, after I graduate I'll be paying off student loans until I'm in my thirties. Becoming a serial killer might have to be more of a long term goal. There's lots of things I hadn't considered. It just seemed so simple until I really thought about it.

I don't know. I think I'm just going to eat some pizza rolls and go to bed.


  1. You could also have sex with someone famous and film it. But that sounds like more work than just going the serial killer route, so I guess you're back to square one.

    Clever, fun read. Thanks.

  2. That was entertaining. Just the right mix of angst and seriousness. Plenty of nice lines, but I particularly liked this:

    "My landlord wouldn't let me build a dungeon; that would forfeit my deposit, I think."

  3. I loved this casual self-conversation. It's as though he's imagining explaining his options to a careers advisor in the same way as if he was considering becoming a painter and decorator or an accountant. Good fun.

  4. Freakin hilarious and spot-on perceptive. Great job.