Friday, 14 May 2010
THUMP By Paul D. Brazill
There it is again.
I told you. No, shh. Listen. . .
Did you hear? Listen. No ....
There! You must have heard that!
See, I told you but you didn’t believe me, did you? She’s down there.
Of course I’m sure it’s her.
What do you mean?
It stand to reason doesn’t it? When was the last time you saw her, eh?
See, what I reckon is ... Shhh! Toby’s coming back. Neck that and let’s get a couple more pints in while he’s here.
Hows the match, Toby? Aye... Aye. Well there’s still time ,eh? Game of two halves and all that.
Yeah a couple more pints of Nelson please Toby ... Ta.
Many in the other room? Oh, aye, him. Well he’s attached to the place like it’s an umbilical cord,eh? Tight as a gnats twat, though,eh?
Good CD this. Love a bit of Simple Minds, me. Could you turn it up a bit before you go back, Toby. Ta.
Aye, pain in the arse having to go outside for a cig but what can we do eh? The law’s the law.
Oh, ey Toby. Keith here was asking after your Lisa. Said he hasn’t seen her for a bit. I said a bit of what? Ha, ha ...
Ey, ey, ey!
Ey, only joking mate. Sorry! No offence. Just making conversation, like.
She still in Jockland then?
Aye, well as long as she’s alight then. Yeah. Yeah.
Aye, we’ll give you a shout if anyone comes in.
Shh. . . Wait . . .
See. Told you. It’s her, Keith.
Think about it. She was always hanging around here in them jeans so tight you could read her lips. You could see Toby’s face when anyone tried chatting her up.
Aye, only natural. But you know, the little green - eyed idol and that ...
What? But she hasn’t been in for ...
... Yeah, I know. I know he said she’s off with her aunt in Scotland but it’s not what I heard. I heard she was banging that Gypsy bloke that was sniffing around her and .. .
Yeah, I know. Only sixteen, but old enough to bleed old enough to breed,eh?
Now you must have heard that?
See, that Gypsy bloke, you remember him, all gold, tattoos and hairy arms? Aye. Pentagon medallion dangling round his neck.
That’s the lad....
Shhh ... Ahh, Don’t You Forget About Me... this is the stuff... Simple Minds biggest hit, you know? Broke them in the US of A ...
Yeah, well Toby was ever so protective, eh? That lad must have been forty if he was a day...
May to December relationships,eh? Call it what you want Keith, I doubt Toby was too impressed. They reckon he covered Lisa’s neck with some nasty love bites ... Yeah, she was smitten and that. Walking around like she was hypnotised. Spaced out, like...
Nah, doubt she touches the wacky backy, all fitness and health and safety, her.
Anyway,I reckon that he’s got her down there like that Fritz bloke in Austria. Remember him? Had his young un locked up in the basement for donkeys years?
Probably banging her himself. Can’t say I blame him, mind you ...ey, ey, no need for you to get all touchy as well ... only a bit of a ...
What? Go where? The filth? Grass him up?
Not on your nelly, Keith. I’m many things but I am not a grass. Anyway, I think they’re still looking for me for that B&E at the gas works. Nah, you see, I’ve got a ...
Hold on ... Wait for the next song to start. . .
Ahh, Promised You A Miracle. Love this one. Classic.
Naw, my plan is to get down there after he closes up the pub and see if she’s there, just to be certain, like .... yeah, I’m sure she is ... and then phone the press...
You know, The Mirror, The Sun, News Of The Screws and that ... and get them down here when we set her free. I reckon we could make a fortune selling the story.Telly. Book deal. Films. The lot, Keith. The lot.
What? The lock? Do you know who you’re talking to, Keith?
Piece of piss. Easy peasey, Japanesey. We get in through those double cellar doors at the back of the pub. The ones that the brewery use to deliver the booze.
He’s only got a daft padlock on there, I can pick that in no time, you know that.
Yeah, we’ll do it tomorrow might after he closes up.
You tosser. I can’t ...
Of course we need a friggin torch.I left me night vision goggles at home ... nah, that was a joke, Keith. Honestly some people ...
Well, at least we’ve got that full moon dangling there. Should give us a bit of light ...
A what? A gibbons moon? If you like, Keith, if you like...
Right, now slowly, slowly ... shh, don’t wannna frighten ... Jeesus, you reek. How many slices of that garlic bread did you tuck into?
Nah, can’t stand the stuff. Don’t like foriegn food, do I?
Right here we go. Steady on the ladders. Soon as we see her we phone Col at The Gazette.
What was that?
Ehh? Sounded like a bird flapping around?
... yeah ... maybe a scream ... sure of ... Yeah, I can see it.
Hold on, it’s landed in the corner... who the ...?
Nahh, it’s her. It’s Lisa... well of course it’s her.
Alright, Lisa love, only me and Keith ... eh up!
Lisa, love, don’t you think you should get some clobber on? Eh, Lisa? Bit nippy down here for ...
Ey, you’re eyes don’t half look red ... What the fu... Lisa, no offence, normally I’d love a snog but ...
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Ey, Keith, where the fuck are you scarpering to? Get your neck back here ...
Aw jeez, Lisa! No ...
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Paul D. Brazill was born in Hartlepool, England and is now on the lam in Bydgoszcz, Poland.
His stories are currently available in print in NEEDLE MAGAZINE (The Sharpest Tools In The Box), Howl: Dark Tales of the Feral and Infernal (The Stamp Of A Vamp) and RADGEPACKET 4 (The Nightwatchman).
His story The Tut was nominated for a 2010 Spinetingler award.
His serial WARSAW MOON appears online at DISENTHRALLED.
His column "I didn't say that, did I?" is a regular sore spot at Pulp Metal Magazine.
His blog is here: http://pdbrazill.blogspot.com/